As it says in the Bible, “I want to be the very best, like no one ever was.” Could there be a more true passage? I don’t know; I didn’t look. But if you’re here reading this site of tips, tricks, and reviews, you’ve probably felt the urge in your soul to become a champion. There may be billions of people playing video games around the world, but haven’t you ever wondered what it would be like if you – yes, you! – were the best at a game? I’m not talking about getting a high score at a laundromat that resets its Ms. Pac-Man machine every night.

I’m talking about being the best in the entire world. The greatest gamer on all of Super Earth. When other players get cute and think they’re putting up numbers, they see your score and weep knowing they’ll never overcome your spot on the leaderboard. That’s the sweet stuff, baby. Put it straight into my veins. Being so good at a video game that it breaks something in a total stranger. You want to lock down your place in high score history so hard that it makes other people feel bad. The never ending quest to overcome your weaknesses and to show the world that you have actual value as a human being while everyone else is worthless.

This is a story about a girl named Lucky a man who wanted to become the greatest gamer in the entire world. Reader, that man is me. And reader, I almost did it. For real. There were moments I could taste it. I was this close to becoming the greatest player who ever lived.

At Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.

Oh, I didn’t expect to take on this burden. It wasn’t intentional. I simply like Pinball FX. If you’re not familiar with Pinball FX or don’t understand how to pick up context clues, Pinball FX is a game/app that allows you to play – wait for it – pinball. Some based on physical tables, some purely digital. A few are free to play. For the rest, you can subscribe to a service or buy them individually. And, while in a condition best described as “less than sober,” I bought a lot of pinball tables. A lot of these were classics like Star Trek: The Next Generation. And, because I enjoy Christmas, I also bought Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. The fact these purchases were made two months after Christmas does not and should not matter.

At first, I played the classics! Why wouldn’t I? It had been years since I’d taken on the pinball versions of The Twilight Zone or Star Trek. And since I owned these tables, I could really dive in and figure them out! I was going to get good at the classics! Oh, I sucked at first! Real bad! But then I had one of the best games of Star Trek: The Next Generation I’ve ever had! And, folks! Look at where I ranked with 110,214,170 points!

But I got there. 153. The 153rd best player in the world isn’t bad. A lot of people would be proud of that ranking if this were Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat or FIFA or Call of Duty or Overwatch 2 or literally any other video game outside of that Fresh Prince zombie game we all just found out existed. Honestly, that’s probably the only other game I could be the 153rd best at. Don’t tempt me.

I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. Once I’d hit the 100s, I wanted to limbo under that bar, too. I wanted to be in the top 100 players of something. Anything. So I spent hours – while staying in a location far more sunny and fun than where I usually live – playing round after round of this cursed game. Children screaming at me to hit the left loop, the right loop, the left center loop, the mailbox, everything. The song looping and looping and looping. Someone asked if I was watching Christmas movies and I put on headphones and locked the door to the bathroom.

And I finally did it. I cracked the top 100. I went full Tommy and crushed the table as hard as I’ve ever crushed it. My reaction times heightened. My mind was like Scarlett Johannson’s in Lucy. “To knowledge.” And then like a complete dork, I realized how well I was doing and instantly my hands turned into plastic oven mitts that couldn’t hit the right buttons.

That said, I almost did it. I may not have been the best in the world. I may not have even been in the top ten. But of the billions of human beings on this beautiful, fragile planet, I was the 51st best at wasting my time on what I’m certain is the least-played pinball table ever put on a computer screen. I was the 51st best that ever was. In literally any other video game I rank between “garbage” and “Emil Cioran’s ability to feel joy.” But here? Only 50 other people have put up better numbers in Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.

And god bless them, because I assume it’s driven them insane. There’s a reason the band Queen pluralized the term, because we truly are the champions.

Mike Drucker is an Emmy-nominated writer and almost-world champion pinball player. Follow him on X.